J e p h r e y



Galaxy NGC4414_courtesy_NASA_Hubble 

Life Guru Invokes the Universe and the Universe Responds

It's funny how the pursuit of sex makes men do unsavoury things. In this case, Tracy, an attractive young woman with the face of a princess, the body of a dancer and a laugh that tickles my soul, has convinced me to join her to attend some life guru's talk on “How to Achieve Everything You Want in Life and More.” I know it will be new age piffle of the worst sort, but I reckon Tracy is interested in me and quality time at events like this could take that interest to the next level.

We have seats in the middle of the auditorium. It seems several hundred people, mostly women, have filled the room. Clearly the life guru has a following.

She comes on stage to a roar of applause that embraces her and energises her. Her eyes light up as she confidently charges on to the stage.

She's good. She moves around the stage. She talks with her hands, her expressions and her words. She enthrals much of the audience as she explains how, if you want to achieve your dreams, you need to live the dream.

“You need to see it, feel it and taste it in your heart and the universe will hear you and make your dreams happen,” she shouts.

Things get weird. A deep voice that seems to reverberate out the air in the room says, “No, I won't.”

“What?” says the life guru, looking around the room and trying to identify the heckler.

“I will not make your dreams or anyone's dreams happen,” says the voice that reverberates down into my heart. It seems Tracy took my hand. I liked that.

“Who are you?” asks the life guru, discombobulated by the voice. She must know it is not coming from anyone in the room. No one could speak with such depth and reverberation.

“I am the universe,” says the voice.

I can see that the life guru has no idea what is going on or how to deal with it.

“Is this some kind of joke?” she calls, looking around the room and behind her. I look around too – and see a number of people have pulled out their smartphones to video this.

“No,” says the Universe. “I am just fed up with you and your kind telling people that if they believe, I will make shit happen for them. But, I won't. I have far more important things to do with my time than attend to the neediness of people too fucking lazy to work to make their dreams happen.”

“But,” begins the guru.

“No buts about it. I am everything. I span uncountable light-years of galaxies, stars, planets and people like and unlike you. I do not make things happen. I am things. I am all. Events unfold not because I make a decision, but because cause and effect and the laws of physics make things happen.

“Even if I could, I would not stop what I am doing to make Patricia's on-line perfumery real. Patricia can do that herself.”

A woman two rows in front of us gasps. I expect she is Patricia.

“Nor am I going to turn William into a senior manager. That's his responsibility.”

“Hey!” shouts a man – probably William.

“You don't need to dream the dream. You need to make the fucking effort and then, maybe, your dreams will come true,” says the Universe.

The audience bursts into applause that turns into a standing ovation. The life guru just looks lost.

“Gosh, thanks,” says the universe.

Over a glass of wine after the presentation, I say to Tracey: “I'll be honest. That was a lot more interesting than I expected it to be.”

 

 

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© 2018 Jeffrey Baumgartner